How was your day? And other questions NOT to ask your kid after school

As the new school term starts back, this time very different and perhaps with some more trepidation and/or joy than usual, some things still remain the same.

Scenario:

You, meeting kids at the school gate: how was your day?

Kid: fine

Kid: dunno

The standard school-gate greeting can be deflating for an excited or anxious parent, wanting to know know how their littlie is getting on. This may especially be so in these current circumstances where things are different and anxiety is high.

You begin to wonder if everything is alright or not. You may start questioning some decision-making or you may start wondering if your child is ‘ok’- you worry they may hate school, you worry they may not have friends, you worry they aren’t getting on ‘ok’ at all…

Before you know it, there are articles popping up everywhere with titles such as ‘50 questions to ask your kid instead of asking how was your day’ and ‘how to get your child to tell you about their day’ and similar.

And so you start asking your child more questions to try and quell your fears. Mostly to the only effect of creating tension, strain and perhaps tears or yelling as your worries increase and their frustrations escalate.

All you are doing is contributing to the reasons why they aren’t answering in the first place, ad why further down the line, they may not be comfortable fully disclosing their inner-most thoughts and feelings to you, when it matters considerably more (the teen years).

Please do not worry.

Please stop asking your child questions after school, about school.

There is one very simple explanation and an even more simple solution:

Your child is an INTROVERT and you need to wait, they will come and tell you about their day, when they are ready.

An INTRO-what???

It is easy to spot the types of personalities at the school gate:

INTROVERTS- walking out, perhaps with another friend, barely acknowledging you and climbing into the car or on the walk home, silent and exuding an aura of sheer exhaustion.

EXTROVERTS- running out of class, yelling bye to everyone, surrounded by a gaggle of others, tumbling into your arms and shouting incoherently about ALL of their day, every last minute…until at least dinnertime when food muffles the incessant chatter. You are exhausted.

The schooling system for your introvert is EXHAUSTING. They are being asked to speak up, speak out, participate, join in, work in groups… all this takes a lot of energy for an introvert.

And because your littlie sees these extroverted traits are expected of them too, they try REALLY hard to do all of these things too. And it is terribly draining for them.

Introverts are natural listeners and observers.

They love to participate, in small groups or better yet, one to one.

They are great at school, when there is an understanding of the conditions they excel at and an appreciation of these skills, equally AND activities and situations provided that allows them to achieve BECAUSE of these skills, not despite them.

So, are there any questions you can ask? what can you do instead as an loving and caring parent?

1, leave all your questions until later.

More questions and demands from you at the end of their school day, is only adding to all the questions and demands they’ve experienced all day. It is too much for them to cope with at 3pm.

2, let them have some recovery time.

If you can, make the first hour or two after school, time for them to regain that lost energy. Introverts do this by being quiet, in a quiet space. They might want to lay listening to music, or ‘watching’ a programme on tv, lying on the grass outside. They might immediately gravitate to a den, or a hidey space.

3, help their recovery with energy boosters.

This is not what you think- they don’t need an energy drink BUT they totally may be thirsty or hungry. Make after school a time for a drink of water and snacks (or an early dinner) so their physical energy is replenished.

AND add in some emotional boosters as well:

a comment that validates THEM “I missed you today”

a story from your day that makes them laugh

a hug

4, be ready with your interest when they come to you.

And they will come to you to share their day, when they’ve recovered. Be ready to LISTEN. Leave your questions to a minimum and just let them share. It might be at a time when it’s just the two of you, or a quieter time when they feel comfortable. It may be at a time when they are ‘alongside’ you, helping cook dinner or sitting beside you at the table. This is less confrontational than looking straight at you. Give them opportunities to be alongside you and they will be more likely to open up.

5, don’t take it personally.

It’s nothing to do with them not wanting to share with you, or not seeing you as someone they want to talk to you or you being a bad parent.

And, it really isn’t anything to do with them- they aren’t shy or lacking in friends or unable to share, or unhappy. Don’t worry about that.

They are little and trying to work out how to be in an environment that is hard and exhausting for them. And one which doesn’t really celebrate or encourage their amazing listening and observation skills; their exceptional interpersonal skills; or their empathy.

They need you to be a safe space for acceptance, understanding and most of all your love.