Why doesn't my baby sleep?
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This is a common and HUGE cause for concern for any new mother or mother at all. It is a constant topic of groups and forums: how many hours does my baby need? When should my baby be sleeping through the night? Why has my baby stopped napping in the day?
When you have a baby, you quickly learn the value of sleep – because you aren’t getting any! You crave it. You begin to obsess about it. It seems suddenly very elusive- either you or your baby aren’t getting enough of it and you want to know how to get more of it….
What is this obsession about sleep?
Sleep deprivation is inevitable as a new parent. Even if you have a baby that ‘sleeps through’ early on, more often than not, you will experience periods of disturbed sleeping patterns, sleep deprivation and its effects. Lack of sleep is at the top of the list in regards to the most damaging of post-birth issues and concerns because of it’s far-reaching effects and it becomes the holy-grail of parenting: undisturbed sleep.
You also know as new parents that your babies NEED sleep. They need it for their brain development, for processing the world they are discovering, for consolidating new skills, for regulation of physiological processes and just to rest from the constant absorption of stimulation being alive brings them !
You obsess about sleep for your babies because:
you know it’s important for them and you want to do the best by them
you are told in every book and baby magazine and by every health visitor how much sleep your baby should be getting
you are surrounded by other parents who have babies who ‘sleep through’ at 6 weeks
I believe this set of factors creates an ‘atmosphere’ or perfect storm where new parents can develop an obsession with sleep which is unnecessary, unhealthy and incredibly unhelpful. There are a multitude of books and advice out there to help with the more practical aspects of getting a baby to sleep: correct room temperature, what to dress them in, feeding, average hours per night etc so I am not going to cover those details.
So if you are feeling ‘sleep obsessed’ and overwhelmed with trying to manage naps, feeding and ‘sleeping through’, here are a few thoughts which might ease your concerns which you might not find in your regular baby book.
Sleeplessness- is a form of torture
To put sleep deprivation into perspective, the military use it as a form of torture. Here is a selection of ways chronic lack of sleep can affect you:
loss of mental capabilities (ability to process information)
reduction in alertness and response reactions
impairment and reduction of memory
increased effect of other stress symptoms
increased susceptibility to injury and accident
impairment your immune system
increased susceptibility to heart disease, stroke and obesity
There is absolutely NO WAY you will be able to think clearly and rationally about anything, when you are in this state. Remember that. As a new parent, your judgement will be affected by your lack of sleep and that includes your judgement around your baby’s own sleep habits as well as your influence on the situation. It is NOT your fault. It is nothing you may or may not be doing.
Just knowing this, your perceived problem with your baby not sleeping might not be that much of a problem at all. Once you’ve taken this out of the equation however, you may still be asking “Why won’t my baby sleep?”
1. Is your baby sleep issue their issue or yours?
Sometimes, when you are so absorbed in doing the best for your baby and are swamped by good advice, expert opinion and comparison with other babies, you can forget some simple factors in determining their good health. Try to take a step back from the ‘problem’ and ask yourself some of these questions:
is your baby, over a 24 hour period, getting approximately the recommend amount for its age?
does your baby have a day/night differentiation to their sleep patterns?
is your baby otherwise thriving- feeding well, happy in themselves, developmentally on track?
If your baby is otherwise doing well, is there a sleep issue? Have you created something out of concern and love that doesn’t need your energy?
babies develop differently- do not compare yours with any others
know the ‘average expectation’ but do not live by it. You only get an average by having extremes on the spectrum!
give yourself the time and space to think and feel what is ok for you and baby
2. Sleep expectations
The ‘expectation’ for babies to sleep for a certain amount of time at a certain time is a historical and socio-political construct. Of course there are averages and research but look beyond that and you will find research and societies and communities with a different perspective on sleep.
Especially in the early weeks, sleeping in the ‘outside world’ is a huge adjustment to make for a baby. Let them do this in their own time. Babies are not meant to sleep without waking. Adults have disrupted sleep. A no-waking sleep expectation is neither realistic nor helpful.
Myth busting:
The truth about ‘sleeping through’ the night: do not be fooled that this is a fabled and mystical 7pm-7am holy grail. The official medical definition for sleeping through the night is “the 5 hour period from midnight to 5 am“. There are also variations of this including any 5 hour stretch between 10pm and 6am and any 8 hour stretch between 8pm and 8am. When you think about your baby sleep issues, your expectations about ‘sleeping through’ may need to be adjusted!
3. Disrupted routine
You may be at the stage where your baby has developed a sleep routine and you are settled and catching up on your own sleep- great! Until something changes and suddenly they have stopped sleeping during the day or have started waking earlier or are waking multiple times throughout the night.
There are a multitude of reasons for this that don’t equate to a sleeping ‘problem’. Here are the most common and normal reasons for a disrupted ‘routine’:
a mental developmental period. Babies go through stages of learning and growing. There are average periods when this is heightened and they experience a particular transition from one level of development to another. These times may affect your baby’s sleep patterns. They are natural processes in adjusting to growing and developing.
a physical developmental period. Babies have growth spurts and may feed more regularly, disrupting sleep patterns as they adjust to their new physical space. Again this is a normal process and is temporary until they create a new ‘routine’.
an emotional developmental period. Babies react and respond to EVERYTHING. They are wired that way for survival. Any change will be noted and processed and that includes with you. They will pick up on and react your emotional cues as much as they experiment with their own. Babies do not manipulate. They are experimenting, discovering and learning. How you respond to them, will set patterns and understanding for life.
4. Mentally tired vs physically tired vs over-tired
Babies are learning and absorbing ALL THE TIME. They need regular breaks from this stimulation. What we forget sometimes is they can be over-stimulated and unable to sleep. Getting the balance between having them physically as well as mentally tired can help them to sleep better. Also, being over-tired can interrupt good sleeping habits too.
5. Feeling the vibe
As mentioned before, babies react and respond to EVERYTHING. They mostly react and respond to you. If you are feeling anxious or worried about their sleep, chances are they won’t. They are reacting to you and are picking up on the feeling that something is wrong. They will not feel safe, relaxed and secure enough to sleep well if you go into a sleep situation worried, stressed and anxious they won’t sleep!
Tips for you:
sleep is your priority too. Get it when you can, as often as you can. In the early days, all else can wait. If that means safe bed-sharing, baby-wearing, or a partner picking up the slack, do it.
take time to get perspective on your worries. Share them with someone you trust for a second opinion.
do not compare your situation with anyone else.
breathe, relax, breathe again.
if you are really worried about your baby’s sleeping and you feel it is an issue because they are not thriving otherwise, ask for help until you feel reassured
