Babymoons- what are they and should you have one?
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by Kirsten
If you have heard of the term ‘babymoon’ it probably is in relation to an exotic holiday taken while you are pregnant with your first child, with the intention of enjoying the exclusive attention and time with your partner before baby arrives and the ensuing lack of sleep and strain on the relationship a baby potentially brings.
You are advised it is best to babymoon in your second trimester, traditionally after the nausea of the first trimester wanes and your 12 week scan but before you are medically advised not to fly (blatant assumption there will be an expensive flight involved to some sunny climes).
If Instagram is to be believed, once at your babymoon destination, there is much resting, walking, lazing in the sun, blissful holding of your bump and general serenity with your partner. A sunset dinner often features with the 2 and a half of you silhouetted against the waves and the dropping sun.
Aw, so lovely and we can’t deny this isn’t a wonderful thing to do. But…
What if we said there was an alternative meaning, the original meaning of the word ‘babymoon’, which was hijacked by travel companies and which has, in some respect, denied new families the knowledge of an incredibly beneficial way to spend early days as new parents.
The Babymoon Your Baby Wants You to Have
Believed to be first coined in 1996, by the wonderful childbirth educator and Birth Baby Balance crush, Sheila Kitzinger, in her book, The Year After Childbirth, Sheila describes that wonderful, magical time just after a baby is born, where new parents spend time bonding with their new arrival at home as a babymoon. As a traditional honeymoon is to spend time as a couple getting to know each other after marriage, so she advocated a babymoon as time for new families to spend together getting to know each other as a new unit.
The first few weeks and months as a new parent, as a new mother, can be fraught with healing, sleep disruption, working out feeding as well as dealing with more emotional factors such as relationship shifts, trauma and identity adjustment.
Sheila recognised and understood the value in giving this new unit and all it’s participants time to make these adjustments as gently and as compassionately as possible. She advocated the mother and baby diad in particular to be completely catered to so that their only concerns are of themselves and not housework, visitors or any other worries beyond that of just being born- the baby AND the woman as a mother.
It is not a totally new concept as many more traditional cultures still practice ‘confinement’, ‘lying in’ or other such time frames to allow the new family to be looked after and cared for while they rest and recover and build strong relationships again.
The First Forty Days
"It's time to change our ways, to pick up the threads of knowledge that we forgot and weave them into a new kind of fabric to hold the mother. We must do it for ourselves and for our children, because the way women become mothers profoundly affects the way their children awaken to this world. When you take care of the mother, you take care of the child." – Founder & Author, Heng Ou
A babymoon in this sense creates a wonderful foundation from which the family unit can grow and thrive. When women and babies are cared for and have the best start together possible, outcomes for both mother and baby are more positive and long-lasting.
Where is the partner in all of this?
They are of course vital at this time but not as you might expect. Traditionally, they were part of the mother-baby unit and the triad are cared for by the wider family and community. These days however, there is less opportunity for that extended family support network to step up and provide that care. It instead now tends to fall to the partner. While they may not be a part of the diad of mother and baby directly, their role in essentially doing everything for them is crucial.
There can be concern that the partner misses out if the mother and baby unit is exclusive at this time, especially when feeding is encouraged to be exclusively between mother and baby, even when bottle feeding, however this is not the case. Baby needs to have close and consistent contact with the mother in the early days and weeks. It is natural, healthy and important. Dads and partners still bond with baby completely successfully alongside this exclusivity between mother and baby.
Partners in supporting the mother and baby unit, set themselves up for better bonding themselves, when baby is content and settled with the mother. Their role in caring for the diad of mother and baby can be extended through caring for the baby outside of the feeding time. Skin to skin is magical and incredibly beneficial for both parties and is one of the more accessible bonding activities for partners. Bathing, changing and all other non-feeding needs can be catered to by partners and all adds to their developing a relationship with baby as well as developing themselves in a parent role.
Babymoon Essentials
While we aren’t in the business of pre-baby holidaying advice, we can and do advocate you planning and preparing for time together once baby has arrived to rest, recover and build those all important relationships.
In the potential absence of extended family to takeover the household basics, you can think about what you’d like to be taken care of without your input. This is where partners can step up into doing the housework, cooking etc.
Key things to consider:
having a conversation of what you can manage together and what you may need help with
who is in your support network and how they may be able to contribute
this could be financial support if you wish to buy in a cleaner or other professional help
it could be emotional support: a good antenatal course will provide you with an instant peer to peer friendship group, vital in those first few days and weeks
it could be practical support: thinking about who you may need to include in your ‘bubble’ is important with the advent of Covid-19 if you wish to have family in your home supporting you; often women who do not have their mothers close by to help, invest in the help of a doula- offering the all-round nurturing support for baby and mother'; otherwise there are nursery nurses, nannies and night nurses to consider
how you are going to use paternity/partner leave
some families wait to use this once the early flurry of support wanes and mama is left more and more to her own
increasingly, there are more flexible and creative ways to use leave at this time. It is worth looking into options outside of those traditionally offered
It is important to remember, each family is different. However what remains the same to all is the importance of considering how you are going to try to create an environment of rest, recovery and building relationships once baby is born.
The modern message to women is to ‘bounce back’ as soon as they can after baby has arrived and it is almost an expectation for life to get back to ‘normal’ quickly. Failure to do otherwise is a failure of the mother in some way. Unfortunately, this sits alongside the misconceptions people have around what newborns are like, and the physical and emotional challenges a mother faces during this unique and exceptional period of time are largely ignored. It is no wonder then new parents often feel overwhelmed, under supported, anxious and with high instances of depression.
If the concept of the babymoon, the true meaning, can be embraced by a new family, within the planning and preparation for life with a new baby, doing the best they can, when they can to surround themselves with nourishment, nurturing and support for that first period of time, they are setting themselves up for a wonderful foundation from which to begin life as parents.
